Two Months

Dear Ellie,

You are two months old today.

Two months, in the grand scheme of things, isn't a lot of time. But you've managed to grow and change and shake things up so much in 8 short weeks, and that deserves recognition.

These days, our weeks are hectic and filled with rushed mornings. Every day the alarm goes off, and I hit the snooze button and snuggle up to you, trying to soak in every last second that I can before we have to get up and start our day. Monday through Friday, I take you to your Auntie Des's, and even though you love it there and I'm happy you have a place to go where you're loved and you get plenty of attention, every time I turn to leave you there while I go to work, my heart breaks a little. I would love to stay and play with you all day. When the day ends and we're reunited, it's like all is right with the world again.

Our weekends are a time of relaxation, full of lots of songs and kisses and naps. You love it when I sing "I love you, a bushel and a peck" while I change your diaper or feed you. You smile your face off when your Dad talks to you in his "Foghorn Leghorn voice". It's adorable and hilarious. We are constantly entertained and enamored by you.

We only met two months ago, and yet, you're the greatest joy of my life.

The past couple of weeks have been hard on us, and I'm so, so sorry for that. I'm sorry that I got sick and we had to stop breast feeding. I'm so glad and proud that you were able to pick back up where we left off, and I pray that we don't run into any more problems. Thanks for being a trooper and for cheering me up when I'm miserable.

I love watching you grow. I'm relishing this time, when you're tiny and still fragile and you can't get around without me. But, I also can't wait to see you continue to grow and discover the world around you. I promise to do my best to make the world you live in a great one.

I love you, my El-Bug. Happy 2nd month of life.

Love, Mommy

New Mom Must-Haves

I saw this done on a few other blogs recently and thought it was really fun. Since I have so many beautiful friends who are expecting babies soon, I thought I would compile my own list of must haves for anyone with a new baby.

1.) Fisher-Price Ocean Wonders Soothe & Glow Seahorse

I read about this little guy numerous times on TheBump boards. Several moms declared it to be a miracle toy, which calms babies instantly. I was skeptical, but after trying several other "soother" toys, I decided to give it a shot. Guess what - it's a miracle toy, which calms Ellie instantly. She loves it! It mesmerizes her until she drifts off to sleep. Best $13.99 I ever spent. I purchased it at Toys 'R Us, but it is also available at Walmart, Amazon.com and various other retailers.

2.) Baby Bliss Gripe Water

The appropriately named Gripe Water is a miracle elixir. Ellie gets hard (and what I can only assume are painful) hiccups at least once a day. 1/2 tsp of this fantastic stuff takes them away immediately. It is also helpful for gas and colic, although I find Mylicon drops work better for gas. I purchased this at Ozark Natural Foods, but it can be found at Target, with the herbal supplements.

3.) Safety 1st Bottle Medicine Dispenser

We use this to administer the Gripe Water, and Ellie has no problem taking her medicine with this little gem. Plus, it's like all of $2. Seriously, get one.

4. Kiddopotomous/Summer Infant Swaddle Me

I had a lot of trouble getting the hang of swaddling with a receiving blanket, so these little babies were a dream. It's basically a pouch with two flaps - put baby in the pouch and fold the flaps over. Easy as that. I've seen them in fleece, flannel, and cotton - we have two fleece and a cotton. Now that Ellie is older she doesn't like having her arms in the swaddle anymore, so I just wrap it underneath her arms and it keeps her warm at night without the use of a potentially hazardous loose blanket. They run between $6-$10, and I've seen them at Walmart, Target, and Toys 'R' Us (which seems to have the best selection). Kiddopotomous/Summer Infant also has several other products (sleep sacks, swaddle squares, etc) that are great for an older baby.

5.) Tucks Witch Hazel Pads

Ladies, if you have an episiotomy, these are your best friend. I recommend stocking up.

6.) Leading Lady Nursing Tanks

These are my favorite tanks. Comfortable and great to sleep in, these tanks from JCPenney are perfect for middle-of-the-night nursing. JCPenney.com lists these at $32, but I only paid $21 in store.

7. GoldBug 2-in-1 Infant Head Support

The head support that came with Ellie's car seat was WAY too big for her, so I spent our first few car rides in the back seat with her, holding her little head in place to keep it from flopping around. This was a lifesaver. It keeps her head in place while keeping her comfortable in her seat at the same time. When she outgrows the inner white support, at can be removed the outer support can be used on its own. Around $12 at Walmart.

That's my list! Does anyone have any suggestions on things I should be on the look out for?

Mommy and Daddy's First Night Out

On Friday night, Guy and I went out on our first "date night" since Ellie was born. We bought tickets to see the Goo Goo Dolls before Ellie arrived, knowing that at some point we would have to leave her with a babysitter and go have some time for ourselves. When we made these plans originally, I did not think it was going to be as hard on me emotionally as it actually turned out to be.

We asked my BFF Destinee to watch Ellie for the night, since she is the person who will be watching her during the day when I go back to work. Destinee also has a little girl, Whitnee, who is a year old and is very energetic. So, we figured a trial run would be a good idea to see how Whitnee did with having a younger baby around.

So, on Friday I spent all day getting myself pumped up to go out. I wasn't nervous about leaving Ellie with Destinee, I was just worried about leaving her in general. Up to that point I'd spent just about every waking moment with her for the past 5 weeks, so it felt strange to know that there would be a few hours where we would be apart. I pumped milk so that she would have plenty to eat, snuggled and kissed on her a lot, and even went neurotic on her for a second and took her to the doctor because I'd convinced myself she had acid reflux (which, of course, she does not. The doctor pretty much told me I was overreacting (not in so many words) and then charged me $20 for it.)

When 6pm rolled around, we loaded her up in the car with everything she could possibly need - milk, bottles, diapers and extra clothes, her music box, gripe water, et cetera, et cetera. When we arrived at Auntie Destinee's, she was (of course) perfectly content, while Guy and I were the ones who had to go back for one last hug and kiss. Finally, we pulled ourselves away and headed out, but it was all we could do not to chuck the concert tickets out the window and turn around. So, obviously it was much harder on us than it was on her.

We had a wonderful time (even though I totally forgot my I.D. so I couldn't have a beer OMG), and the band was fantastic. I had no idea I would miss her so much in just a few short hours - I had to turn my phone off to keep from checking it every 5 minutes, but in the end, it was a good thing. Ellie did great - she took her bottles no problem (I was concerned since she's been exclusively breast fed up to this point,) she slept in the pack 'n play for Destinee (even though she totally won't do that at home,) and from what I understand Whitnee did well with having her there, with the exception of a little confusion over which bottle was hers. So, not only did this little experiment help me learn to let go a little, but it also made me feel a little bit better about leaving her so that I can go back to work next week (even though I still totally don't wanna.)

So, a big thank you to my wonderful BFF for helping us to get over that little bump in the road. Hopefully, leaving her with a sitter will get a little easier each time. But, I also can't wait until she's old enough to go places like that with us!

The first of many notes...

I've wanted to start a blog for a long time. I used to blog a little, on Xanga and then on Myspace, before Facebook and Twitter took over. I've never had a blog that was separate from a social networking site. I just wasn't sure how to collect my thoughts in a cohesive way. As a matter of fact, I'm still not sure.

I'm not really good at anything, per say. At least, not anything worth writing about. I don't really cook anything spectacular, I'm not particularly fashionable, my house is a disaster more often than not and I'm not crafty. I have no hobbies and I'm not of above average intelligence. What would I have to say? Not much that anyone would really care to read.

5 weeks ago, my daughter Ellie arrived. She burst into the world with a mighty cry, as if to announce her intention to take over. I've been home with her since then, getting to know her, learning all about her, loving her more each minute. She is a wonder. I'm sure all new moms say that about their babies, but really, I assure you I'm not exaggerating.

For the past 5 weeks I've had the luxury of spending nearly every moment with Ellie. I've been able to talk to her whenever I felt like it. In one week, I have to return to my day job, and Ellie will be left in the care of my very capable best friend. However, the thought of leaving her is unbearable to me. So, I thought, why not start a blog to record all the things I wish I could tell her while we're apart? That way I won't forget.

Now, of course, the whole blog won't consist of just letters to Ellie. If I have something else to talk about, I'll talk about it. Some things I record on here may be things I won't tell her for a long time. Some may be things I will never tell her. Some may be things she won't care about. But here, in this little space, I will learn to cope with being apart from my daughter.

Ever since we brought her home from the hospital, I have been learning to deal with the overwhelming fear that set in the moment I became a parent. It's something that's rarely talked about, I think, because the arrival of a new baby is supposed to be such an incredibly joyous occasion. No one ever tells you how scary it is.

And it is. Really fucking scary.

The first few nights, I took the fear and spun it into anger towards my husband. This, friend, was not the correct way to deal. He was so hurt and felt like I didn't trust him to properly care for our child. Although I'd love to say that he was wrong, and that I trusted him completely, I'm ashamed to say that he wasn't entirely wrong.

Please don't misunderstand. My husband is a very loving, doting and capable father. He is so completely devoted to our daughter. I have no reason in the world not to trust him. But, I could not shake the "what ifs". What if he fell asleep holding her and dropped her? What if he forgot the rule about laying her on her back to sleep? What if he got frustrated, changed his mind about wanting to be a father and husband, and decided to leave me all alone to parent our child?

Of course, none of these things happened, and none of these things were ever really a possibility of happening. I was dealing with my fear in a way that was not healthy.

Fortunately, after about the first week I relaxed a little and things are much better in our household. However, the fear still rises on a daily basis, the moment I'm confronted with yet another news story, magazine article, or blog post about a perfectly healthy baby dying because their parent made a simple mistake. I frequented a blog of a woman who lost her infant son last year to SIDS - although I started reading the blog before I even became pregnant, I have had to discontinue reading it because I work myself up into a frantic state if I do. I have never feared anything more in my whole life as I fear losing my child. I have never loved anyone so instantly and completely as I do her.

I still don't know how to work through the fear so that I can get to a point where I can just enjoy my daughter. So, don't be surprised if I use this space as a therapeutic release of that fear.

Also, don't be surprised if I use it to post pictures of the cute outfits she wears.

Thanks in advance for reading and I hope to have much more interesting posts to come!