The first of many notes...

I've wanted to start a blog for a long time. I used to blog a little, on Xanga and then on Myspace, before Facebook and Twitter took over. I've never had a blog that was separate from a social networking site. I just wasn't sure how to collect my thoughts in a cohesive way. As a matter of fact, I'm still not sure.

I'm not really good at anything, per say. At least, not anything worth writing about. I don't really cook anything spectacular, I'm not particularly fashionable, my house is a disaster more often than not and I'm not crafty. I have no hobbies and I'm not of above average intelligence. What would I have to say? Not much that anyone would really care to read.

5 weeks ago, my daughter Ellie arrived. She burst into the world with a mighty cry, as if to announce her intention to take over. I've been home with her since then, getting to know her, learning all about her, loving her more each minute. She is a wonder. I'm sure all new moms say that about their babies, but really, I assure you I'm not exaggerating.

For the past 5 weeks I've had the luxury of spending nearly every moment with Ellie. I've been able to talk to her whenever I felt like it. In one week, I have to return to my day job, and Ellie will be left in the care of my very capable best friend. However, the thought of leaving her is unbearable to me. So, I thought, why not start a blog to record all the things I wish I could tell her while we're apart? That way I won't forget.

Now, of course, the whole blog won't consist of just letters to Ellie. If I have something else to talk about, I'll talk about it. Some things I record on here may be things I won't tell her for a long time. Some may be things I will never tell her. Some may be things she won't care about. But here, in this little space, I will learn to cope with being apart from my daughter.

Ever since we brought her home from the hospital, I have been learning to deal with the overwhelming fear that set in the moment I became a parent. It's something that's rarely talked about, I think, because the arrival of a new baby is supposed to be such an incredibly joyous occasion. No one ever tells you how scary it is.

And it is. Really fucking scary.

The first few nights, I took the fear and spun it into anger towards my husband. This, friend, was not the correct way to deal. He was so hurt and felt like I didn't trust him to properly care for our child. Although I'd love to say that he was wrong, and that I trusted him completely, I'm ashamed to say that he wasn't entirely wrong.

Please don't misunderstand. My husband is a very loving, doting and capable father. He is so completely devoted to our daughter. I have no reason in the world not to trust him. But, I could not shake the "what ifs". What if he fell asleep holding her and dropped her? What if he forgot the rule about laying her on her back to sleep? What if he got frustrated, changed his mind about wanting to be a father and husband, and decided to leave me all alone to parent our child?

Of course, none of these things happened, and none of these things were ever really a possibility of happening. I was dealing with my fear in a way that was not healthy.

Fortunately, after about the first week I relaxed a little and things are much better in our household. However, the fear still rises on a daily basis, the moment I'm confronted with yet another news story, magazine article, or blog post about a perfectly healthy baby dying because their parent made a simple mistake. I frequented a blog of a woman who lost her infant son last year to SIDS - although I started reading the blog before I even became pregnant, I have had to discontinue reading it because I work myself up into a frantic state if I do. I have never feared anything more in my whole life as I fear losing my child. I have never loved anyone so instantly and completely as I do her.

I still don't know how to work through the fear so that I can get to a point where I can just enjoy my daughter. So, don't be surprised if I use this space as a therapeutic release of that fear.

Also, don't be surprised if I use it to post pictures of the cute outfits she wears.

Thanks in advance for reading and I hope to have much more interesting posts to come!